Snailor
by babywhale3378
Summary: Snailor is a sort of spoof of Beowulf, and is honestly something I just do because I like to think that my pet snails are secretly up to something.


"Bring me Snailor,"

The low voice that spoke sent chills through the semi-gelatinous bodies of the surrounding minions. Even in the bright red and yellow light of the Inner Chamber of the Dark Lord, Emperor Snarlik was but a shadow as he sat at his throne. His orders came out clear and firm, and yet all understood the impossibility of such a task.

"B-b-but sire, Snailor is practically a myth—" a guard began to protest.

"Silence," Emperor Snarlik spoke softly. Then suddenly angry, he slammed his squishy fist into his throne's arm, and shouted: "Find him, or find someone who can! Don't come back until the deed is done!"

Suddenly one guard broke down.

"We've sent thousands to find him! But none have come back! When will you realize that what you're doing—"

The guard stopped talking and looked downwards to see a snail-spear sticking from his abdomen. Shortly after, he keeled over and died.

"Any others want to question my orders?" Snarlik asked angrily, twirling another spear from the shadows.

"N-no sir!" one said, and slithered outside. The others followed shortly. "We will find Snailor,"

"Good. Find him, and bring him to me… or it will be a healthy salting for all of you,"

Just outside of Snaildale, Snailor slithered freely and without care. His long battles for the freedom of Snaildale were over, and no warring Snail tribes were unsettled or feuding. It seemed that for once, the snail-dominated world of Consnailtinople was at peace.

Slithering home after a long day foraging, Snailor soon caught site of his lovely home in a rotting piece of lumber. With a half-grown cucumber on his shell, he moved ever onward, dragging the vegetable with his great snail-might. Every now and again, he had to stop to regain his strength, for even the might of Snailor was limited. Yet for ages, Snailor's strength had been, at least to the townspeople of Snaildale, the stuff of legends. He was rumored to had lifted an entire snail over his head and thrown him into the mouth of a nearby gecko during the Battle for Snaildale. Whilst the rumor was obviously embellished (Snailor had merely evaded a gecko on the hunt, and the result was an enemy Snail's death), Snailor enjoyed being hailed as a Snail-god, and he knew that the Snailizens enjoyed their stories, so he said nothing.

Bringing the cucumber to the opening of the house, Snailor was soon greeted by a familiar voice. Snailor's husband/wife (because snails are hermaphrodites) came to greet Snailor kindly, gasping kindly at the spoils of the day's search. She (as Snailor often laid less eggs) was a beautiful snail named Snailabelle, whom Snailor loved dearly. With Snailabelle, Snailor had spawned hundreds of child-snails, and was working on another clutch to be hatched in the near future. Proud parents, the two taught their offsnailing how to slither quickly to evade predators, and how to drag foodstuffs home. Snailor was never disappointed.

"Snailor, sweetie," Snailabelle said. "A letter came in the smail for you today,"

"Oh," Snailor said. "Who is it from?"

"It's not written in Snail-tongue, so I can't read it. You'll have to take a look at it," Snailabelle handed him the letter with her stumpy and sticky arms, and Snailor began to read it. It was indeed not in Snail-tongue, but rather, in Caterpillar.1

"It must be from King Canker," Snailor said. Slowly, and missing a few words, Snailor read the letter out loud:

 **Snailor,**

 **If you are reading this, know that my Kingdom is in great danger, as are you! The Emperor Snarlik is after your shell, and he has chosen my kingdom as the first in his path of destruction! Flee quickly, before you are sought out. You are in more peril than even the great Battle of Snaildale.**

 **If you choose not to flee, at least heed my warning and take up arms—you, and your family as well. And I must encourage all of Snaildale to do the same. Be quick—danger is coming.**

- **King Canker**

"Great Danger?" Snailabelle said. "What could he possibly mean? Are we sure that this is truly King Canker?"

Snailor flipped the letter, and on the back was the signature seal of the Royal Caterpillar Throne.

"Quite sure," Snailor said. "But who is this Emperor? I don't like the sound of this. It sounds like someone might be trying to overthrow all of EntoGarden. And what evil deeds must have come to poor King Canker!"

"So much for a peaceful evening,"

Snailor rushed into the log, and called his children to him. Slowly but surely, all snails were accounted for, save one.

"This is bad," Snailor said, panicking. "Snailo is missing! I must go search for him! Bring me my rapier, Ho!"

As Snailor set off to find his rebellious offsnailing, he brought with him the same byrny he had fought with in the war. On his head, he wore a helm of mighty oak, each of his long eyes poking from the top like strands of youthful grass. By his side he wore the mighty shield of Snailwulf, his father, who's feats he was still unable to meet. And in his sticky hand, he bore the great sword Snailduril, who's blade, never sharpened but on the morn of it's birth, had hewn the shells and exoskeletons of more than a thousand Entos.2

As Snailor was leaving, he face-slithered his wife's face, and assured her that everything was going to be alright—although he had to become even more persuasive in convincing himself that it would be. As the sun slowly came down, Snailor set off to the East, where he felt as though he might find Snailo.

"Goddess Athensnaila, guide me as I search for my son,"

With that, Snailabelle watched him slither into the sunset, to the point that Snailor's shell eventually became just a dot on the infinite horizon.

"Come back soon," she whispered.

1 Most expect Caterpillar tongue to be close to worm tongue, but it is actually closest to moth-tongue, for it was the butterflies who first used the language.

2 An Ento is any insect who lives in the realm of EntoGarden.


End file.
